The Positivity Continuum

At one end is what I call Helpful Reframing. At this end is where we might experience positivity most regularly. It’s when we know that we’re in a bit of a funk with our thinking and could benefit from seeing what’s in front of us as an opportunity. Or when someone needs some motivating with geeing them up and making them feel good. Or when we need to feel good about an upcoming competition and not get distracted with negative thoughts.

Helpful Reframing is typically time limited, and appropriate to the context of the conversation. That is, the positive thinking happens for a reason, isn’t over-egged, the level of positivity helps with the context of what’s happening.

In the middle is Toxic Positivity. We’ve probably all experienced this over the last two years in particular because of the pandemic, but before then you will also recognise it through many other interactions. Tiffany Sauber Millacci, Ph.D. says

“the overgeneralization and encouragement of happy emotions across all areas is referred to as ‘toxic positivity.”

Dr Lynda Shaw, in an article for the CMI (Chartered Management Institute), writes that toxic positivity

“can come in the form of advice from someone else who possibly unwittingly invalidates your feelings when you’re feeling low, or stops you feeling justified about your response to a situation with “things could be much worse” or makes light of your experience. Toxic positivity also occurs when we feel we have to be positive all of the time and avoid feelings that are difficult to deal with, such as anger or hurt.”

What’s really helpful about these definitions is that we can readily identify when these things have happened. When someone is remaining positive through hard and difficult times. When someone is interrupting what you’re saying to be positive. When someone doesn’t deal with the reality of what’s in front of them by only trying to be positive.

Dr Susan David says this form of toxic positivity is seen as a form of moral correctness, and I think that’s so powerful. That if we’re not seen to be positive in hard situations, then our reaction is wrong and we aren’t trying hard enough.

I think we can get through this toxic positivity by holding back on our opinion and interventions, and instead practising empathy and really listening to what someone is trying to tell us. Often being heard and listened to means the other person feels validated in what they’re thinking, and can deal and process what they’re experiencing, without having to feel that they must also be positive.

At the other end, is what I call Relentless Positivity. For me, this is where toxic positivity is dialled up to 1,000 and we are unwilling for any kind of response other than positivity. We will often enter into full blown arguments with others who aren’t seeing things our way, and completely negate any kind of feedback or criticism as the other person being jealous or unworthy of offering an opinion. It is also likely to be unregulated positivity, so we don’t allow ourselves to express anything other than a positive response. Not accepting help is also likely to be at this end of the continuum.

I think to get through relentless positivity, we have to accept that others people’s perspective have validity and deserve to be heard, and that engaging in dialogue is a helpful path to improving understanding and self-awareness.

I present the above as some thinking out loud, and cautious it is only a way to provide insight into positive thinking. I do not think it has utility in any kind of coaching / therapy / counselling / leadership training as it hasn’t been tested in any of those contexts, and is only a frame of reference.

I talk about this on the recent episode of The Three Good podcast, which you can listen to below.